


Not Cool

by battoff



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Disabled Character, Disabled Jake Dillinger, Gen, Unrequited, jeres seizure during the squip enters is described so theres that
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-02
Updated: 2018-01-02
Packaged: 2019-02-27 05:01:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13240971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/battoff/pseuds/battoff
Summary: An insight into Mr. Popularity.





	Not Cool

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a mass of self projection onto my favorite character, Jake Dillinger, because sometimes you’re a shitty person and you have to come to terms with that and apologize for what you did at the right time.

When Jeremy fell to the disgusting mall floor, Jake thought it was the most bizarre shit to happen in front of him. Crying, he got. This convulsing and erratic twitching? Not really.

Christine was panicking but he didn’t _know_ her. He couldn’t mimic her well and he definitely didn’t know if her actions clashed with everyone else’s. So he looked up from Jeremy to spot Jenna, most likely recording the entire thing. Jenna was manageable. He took out his phone, moved to a better vantage point, and started taking a video.

Was it mean? Probably. Scratch that, definitely. Did he care? He didn’t know. Probably not. He didn’t really know much about himself, didn’t know where the mimic ended and he began. He _did_ know that he didn’t really get everything like he knew he should. He didn’t think it mattered, though. He didn’t think anything actually existed outside himself. He just kept recording, sure to send it to Jenna later, and earning a smack to his chest from Christine.

...

A month later Jake found himself on crutches, abandoned, alienated. He didn’t know whether it would’ve been better if he hadn’t been popular. Maybe if he wasn’t popular he wouldn’t have gotten used to being surrounded by attentive, familiar faces. Perhaps he’d be accustomed to the weird stares, hushed whispers, and being alone almost all the time.

Chloe was… gone. Along with her went Brooke. Rich was in the hospital and probably—most definitely—didn’t want to talk to Jake of all people. Christine didn’t want anything to do with him and he didn’t blame her. Jenna was too busy running her rumor mills. One of them was definitely about him. He’d read it about ten times when someone kicked his crutches out from under him, pelting him with the entire thing printed out. He forgot how mean high school kids were. He forgot how mean _he_ was.

Reading about random articles became his number one pastime. He read about anything he could google which was basically everything. He had preferences, though. He liked Wikipedia. The pages on countries caught his attention for hours on end and he was constantly ready to impart his knowledge on seemingly random things to anyone who’d ask. No one ever did.

One particularly bad day, when someone somehow unscrewed his crutches and he had to explain to the nurse that he was just bored, it was nothing, he overheard the nurses talk about some kid. They said something about seizures, needing to be prepared or whatever. It sounded medical. If there was one thing that Jake liked more than Wikipedia pages, it was medical Wikipedia pages.

He lost himself in the world of seizures as soon as the school day was over. He read as much as he could without prompting his odd bouts of drowsiness. The librarian would kick him out if he took a nap and he really didn’t want to figure out where he was going to sleep that night. But anyways, a particular seizure type—a tonic clonic—caught his eye as he read the description. He clicked on the media link and sure enough it was like he had been thrown back to that afternoon in the mall with Jeremy and Christine and Jeremy and Jenna and _Jeremy_.

The convulsions, the twitching appendages, that odd breathy sound made right before he went still. It was flashing before his eyes, all of it, and a sense of dread filled his stomach. Jeremy, he was having a seizure. Jake whispered it, said it aloud, tried to make it sound real. Then came the repetition. He couldn’t stop it, it just continued to spill out as he tried to rid himself of the terrible feeling in his chest and the rock lodged in his throat. Hands twitching, he hit the table first, then his legs when the table proved too loud. Pain shot up his legs to his hips where he went to town.

He couldn’t really focus on the pain. He was somewhere else entirely. The vague thought of, _‘Hey, don’t do that,’_ crossed his mind but he didn’t stop. Couldn’t. Until the pain brought him back and he set his hands on the table. They were shaking like he hadn’t eaten and was trying to exercise. Had he eaten? He couldn’t remember.

Jake looked up to see some kid smirking in his direction. They hit their friend’s shoulder to get their attention. He watched as their lips formed the words _“freak”_ before they erupted into giggles, walking away.

He deserved that. He definitely deserved that. He got up and decided tonight he deserved a park bench.

...

Jake finally saw Jeremy again—actually saw him—about a week after he got back from the hospital. He had asked Christine out and it was setting in.

“Where do I even take her? God, what if she hates where I pick? Oh, she probably will—have you met me? Oh, no, no, no.”

“Hey, dude?” Jake tried to calm him down, awkwardly patting his arm. “Christine digs you, like, really digs you. You could take her to, I dunno, 7-Eleven and she’d probably think it’s baller because it’s _you_.” He peeked up at Jake through the fingers covering his face and Jake felt his heart clench in an uncomfortable manner. “But, uh, if you want some real advice? Don’t take her anywhere where you gotta sit in one place for too long. If you can, pick a place where you can move around a lot, change focuses or whatever. Or, hell, just hang out at your house.”

Jeremy smiled at him. “You really think this’ll work?”

“Yes, definitely, absolutely.” He swallowed around the lump in his throat. _‘Sorry for everything by the way’_ wanted to slip out so badly but this wasn’t about him. This was about Jeremy. And to apologize now, to say sorry for all the shit he had done, would be to make it all about him, to make _him_ feel better, not Jeremy. He wasn’t about to be selfish when Jeremy needed advice. “If you want, I can convince Jenna to give me pirated bootlegs of some musical or play Christine hasn’t seen so you guys can do that.”

To say that Jeremy looked relieved would be an understatement. His lips curved up in a truly happy smile. It really suited him. “That sounds awesome. Thanks Jake, you’re a lifesaver.”

“Not a problem, my dude. I’m happy to help.”

One day, he thought, one day he’d be good enough to actually talk to Jeremy, to apologize to him. For now, though, right now he’d gladly settle for giving him tips on dating Christine. They didn’t mention the fact that Christine broke up with Jake.

**Author's Note:**

> I stand firmly by the idea that Jake has problems with eating. Whether it’s him forgetting to or blatantly refusing to or both. Also, I have this small headcanon ~~that has actually featured in some of my other works~~ that Jake mimics the people around him especially if he’s familiar with their mannerisms. He does this for a number of reasons. Because of his shitty upbringing he thinks that if he does whatever someone else does then they’ll like him and, boy, does he want that sweet validation. 
> 
> I’m not trying to justify what he did or say that he was right. I’m just projecting onto him because his parents weren’t exactly the best role models and I totally relate and this is something I do and feel like Jake would do.


End file.
